Fairytale Ransom
by Chibi-Vicki-san
Summary: It's self explanatory...but it's not at the fairytale part yet...please read and review....
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own FAKE. :( Neko, Psychotic 101, Vicki, and Jasmine are all real people. (Shocking, isn't it?)

Author's Note: Wow, this fanfic sucks. All you diehard FAKE fans are going to hate me for this. This is the worst FAKE fanfic you will ever read. Seriously, people, I'm not lying.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

"How the hell did this happen?" said Dee to himself as he slowly regained consciousness. He was in an abandoned warehouse, chained to a concrete post with Ryo, Berkeley, JJ, Drake, and Ted, his fellow co-workers from the 27th Precinct. How they'd gotten there was very foolish, in Dee's opinion. They should have known from the start this was a trap.

Ooooooh, flashback............

It was 10:00p.m. at the 27th precinct in New York City. Dee and Ryo were just about to leave and let Drake and JJ take over, when Chief Smith barreled into the office.

"All right," he began. "We just got an emergency call from a spooky, creepy, abandoned warehouse on 69th street. I want all of you, including Rose and uh....." the chief paused looking at Ted, who had just walked into the office.

"Ted?" asked Ryo, pointing at him.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah, all of you go there. I'll see you tomorrow," he said as he left out of the door. The room was silent. After the chief was out of earshot, a loud "bite me, lardass!" rang throughout the precinct.

Suddenly, Chief Smith burst into the room to see Drake, Ted, and Dee screaming and complaining, JJ clinging to Dee, Berkeley getting his coat, while checking out Ryo, and Ryo, looking slightly pissed.

"Excuse me, shit heads," said the chief calmly, bringing all previous action to a halt. "I forgot my hat."

"Chief Smith," said Rose politely. "Might I inquire why I have to go to the call?"

"How about because I said so!" the chief countered.

"But as commissioner, don't I outrank you?"

"Not in this story!" grinned the chief, placing his old fedora hat on his graying hair.

Needless to say, when the chief was out of earshot, Berkeley joined his fellow officers in cursing the chief's name.

"Oh, come on, Dee," began Ryo, "It shouldn't be that bad. Besides, you were just complaining about how we do nothing but sit around all day. Give me one good reason you don't want to go out on the call.

Dee glared at Ryo and simply pointed to JJ, who was hugging Dee unmercifully, yelling sweet nothings at him every five seconds.

"Well, Laytner," Berkeley began, "Since you're busy at the moment, I'll just ride with Ryo to the address. Drake, you can go with Ted."

JJ squealed in ecstacy at the new orders, nearly throwing Dee in the police cruiser. Ryo got in the driver's seat of his car with Rose, as Drake and Ted got into their car.

With minimal conversation, Drake and Ted arrived first to the warehouse.

With few passes being made at Ryo, Ryo and Berkeley arrived second.

With many death threats being made by Dee ( including "I swear to God, JJ, if you don't shut the fuck up, I will crash this car into the fucking ocean- I don't care how far it is!- just to watch you drown and then I will purchase a submarine to take you a bajillion leagues under the mother fucking sea and throw you out so the pressure crushes you instantly), he and JJ arrived last.

As they entered the warehouse, they came across a note that simply said "look up." And like complete dummies, they did and found themselves unconscious five seconds later.

Ooooooooh, end of flashback......

Dee looked to his right, saw JJ unconscious next to him, and quickly tried to move toward his left. On his left, thankfully, was Ryo- a beautifully unconscious Ryo. Dee, realizing he could move his left hand to some degree, suddenly got a naughty idea. Unfortunately, it seemed JJ got the same idea, which caused Dee to get distracted. If Dee weren't chained up, JJ wouldn't have seen the light of day. Under closer examination, Dee realized that JJ was "sleep-molesting" him. He shuddered as he turned toward Ryo, pissed to find that Berkeley (also next to Ryo) had the same dirty idea.

"Rose! If you don't get the fuck off of Ryo, I'll fucking kill you!" Dee exclaimed, loud enough to wake the dead, and Ryo. Ryo looked at the commissioner, who was caught in the violating him.

"Commissioner Rose," began Ryo, trying not to kill him as well, "you do know this is sexual harassment."

"Only if we're at work," smiled Rose. Ryo moved closer to Dee for safety, then realized five seconds later he'd made a grave mistake, for Dee enacted his earlier plan.

"Dee!" Ryo blushed, "we're at work!"

"Actually, you're being held hostage," said a voice from the shadows.

"And you'd better give into our demands if you want to be released in one piece," said another voice.

To Be Continued

Didn't that suck? I know it did! It gets "better," if you can call it that. Well thank you for suffering through that! The power of friendship be with you!


	2. Kidnappers and acomplice 1

Disclaimer: I still don't own FAKE. breaks out crying But that's okay!

Author's Note: You might wonder what I was smoking when I wrote this. But I'll tell you right now that the only thing I'm high on is life! sailing in a hot air balloon WEEEEE!!!!!

Sorry for wasting your time just then....I really don't have an author's note.....So enjoy this chapter! Well actually, it's a chapter and a half because the first part should have been included with the first chapter. (See what drugs do?) Well, please enjoy!

Chapter ½ : The Kidnappers

_"...you're being held hostage," said a female voice from the shadows._

_"And you'd better give into our demands," said another female voice, "if you want to be released in one piece."_

"We're not gonna kill them!" whined the first voice. "That's like murder....or something! We'll go to jail!"

"We're already going to jail for kidnaping" scolded the second voice. "Besides, dumbass, I just said that to scare them!"

"Shut up! They can hear you, stupid!"

The six cops stared confusedly into the dark at the direction where the voices, now engaged in a full-fledged shouting match, were coming from.

"Uh, hello?" Drake interjected five minutes later. "Hostages? Remember us?"

"Oh, uh yeah...." said the second voice. " You must meet our demands, or else!"

"Or else what?" asked Drake, slightly bored.

"We, uh, haven't thought of that," said the first voice. "But when we do, y'all better watch out!"

"What are your demands?" asked Ryo as diplomatically as he could while being molested

"Tell us a story," said the second voice.

"What the hell!" screamed Dee. "You go through the trouble of kidnaping us for a fucking story!"

"No....." said the first voice. "We were bored..."

"Oh I'll give you your fucking story!" began Dee. "Once upon a time, there were two stupid bitches standing in the dark who wanted to hear a fucking story; so they chained a really pissed off cop to a pole with a hottie, a jackass, two dead weights, and a freak! Then the pissed off cop escaped and shoved his foot up both their asses and made out with the hottie! The mother fucking end!"

There was a long silence.

"That wasn't very nice," said the first voice. She cocked a gun in the dark and fired. The shot landed two inches above Dee's head.

"Now," began the second voice in a serious tone. "I want to hear a fairytale, and only JJ can tell it.

JJ "woke up."

"I know an excellent story that I think everyone will love!" he exclaimed with his usual cheerful attitude.

"Well hurry up and tell it!" said the first voice. "The popcorn's getting cold and the pizzas should be here any minute!"

**To Be Continued pretty soon....**

Chapter Two: Accomplice number 1

JJ cleared his throat. "Once upon a...."

The doorbell rang.

"Vicki! Neko!" rang a voice from the entrance. "One of y'all get off your lazy ass and get this fucking door!"

"Vicki," said the second voice. "This was your idea, so let her in."

Vicki rose to her feet. "Skank..." the first voice mumbled under her breath.

"Damn straight!" said Neko proudly.

After much tripping in the dark, Vicki opened the door for her friend psychotic 101, who was holding two extra large pizzas and smoking a "questionable looking" cigarette. (But that's not important now....)

Ryo began to close his eyes. He'd had a hard night, plus he had first shift in the morning so he needed the sleep. As he slowly began to drift away, he remembered who he was chained between. His eyes shot open. He knew Dee would try something (though he didn't entirely mind), and he already knew that as soon as he slipped away, Berkeley would grope him too. Having been violated once today, Ryo tried his best to stay awake.

JJ didn't mind being chained next to Dee in the least. In fact, it was one of the many fantasies he imagined the many times he was alone in his office. Suddenly, JJ got a wonderful idea. The trap was already set, now to bait it. "Dee?" he asked in his most innocent voice.

Dee turned to him and began to ask what was wrong, but to his dismay, he was stopped mid sentence by a deep kiss from JJ. Dee panicked. Finally, JJ broke the kiss and smiled gleefully.

"SO HELP ME GOD, WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING WAREHOUSE, YOU WON'T LIVE TO SEE TOMORROW!" screamed Dee at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, another shot was fired, leaving its mark an inch above Dee's head.

"Dee!" screamed Ryo in concern.

"My baby!" cried JJ.

"He's not dead," said Neko. "I missed."

A loud crash rang through the warehouse.

"Aw damn it!" screamed Psychotic 101, holding her leg. "Turn on a fucking light or something!"

"We can't," whispered Vicki. "We've got hostages."

"Oh!" exclaimed Neko. "You're back! Okay JJ, now you can tell your story."

**To Be Continued...**

Well, I hope you liked it! And I'm sorry if you thought the characters were badly represented and the plot line was rather........unique, to put it bluntly. Well see you next time. The power of friendship be with you. Merry Christmas-chi!


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